How Do You USE This Thing?

So admittedly…it’s been FOREVER since I’ve written something.

And I’ve wanted to – no really, I’ve wanted to write something…I just didn’t have the words. To be honest, I still don’t have the words. But I figured, even if I don’t have the best things or the “right” things to say, that in this space…saying something is better than saying nothing at all. Who knows, there may be a person or two out there who can identify with what I’m going through.

So what am I going through, exactly?

Well…in short…I’m comparing who I am to who I used to be. I used to be a solid 60lbs lighter. I used to be a person who ran at least 15 miles per week. I used to be someone who had a BOOKED running schedule. I used to be a regular(ish) blogger.

And I miss that person. No, if I’m going to be honest, I miss the way that person looked. I loved running, hell I STILL love running. I went for a run this morning and felt that familiar glow and sparkle…that feeling of peace and the satisfaction of completing a run. But my eating habits have changed along with a number of things…and yes I have gained that weight back, but with it I have gained a couple of other things.

…like muscle and strength

…like a love and appreciation for the power of the female body

…like the ability to see in myself, even my heavier self, an athlete

…like an appreciation for and a commitment to regular physical activity

…like the ability to cook real meals (versus those pre-packaged messes I used to eat)

It’s a journey they say – one filled with ups and downs. So this might be a down swing for me…and I’m trying my best to fight my way through it. Someone close to me told me to focus on appreciating me NOW and not looking back on the me THEN. And that’s been good to reflect upon. We never really stop and admire who we are – when I look back even to my smallest days I know this to be true. I remember being happy with my progress, and feeling great – but not really being full on satisfied. I still wanted and tried to push for more. Looking at those old pictures now though? Man…I was FINE! And I still am. *smile* but I want better. Not to chase an image, but to chase a feeling.

That feeling of looking in the mirror and seeing the person you believe yourself to be reflected back to you. I had that at one point. I am working on finding her again. And as I continue that search for her, I will try to share my story along the way. Inch by inch. Mile by mile.

From the Heart

Fair warning, this will more than likely be a stream of thoughts that may or may not be coherent.

Fitness is not easy. For many reasons. Sometimes it’s he goal that is he issue and the unrealistic expectations we place on reaching those goals. I find myself lookin back at who I was and what I looked like when I used to run and I lament when it takes me seemingly forever to run the same trails I used to run with ease.

Looking back is a bitch. Looking back at what I thought was a peak. Looking back and measuring myself against that old me. But Storme…it’s the old you silly rabbit. And that is where I find myself trying to find my peace. I love running for its mental benefits. Running or walking, just being outdoors is its own kind of meditation for me. Zen in the forest? Sure! But where I once was someone who would love to run for hours…the woman I am now would rather be lifting. 

Running used to push my boundaries. Lifting does that for me now. And I love both for different reasons. And I need to stop looking back at who I was and trying to reconcile it to who I am now. It’s gonna mess up what I’m trying to become. Which is just a better version of myself.

So I ran this morning and it was cool. Then I walked some and that was great, lol. But it didn’t make my heart sing in the same way it used to. And what I am trying to constantly impart upon myself is that IT’S OK. I’m not who I used to be. I am something else. Stronger. Heavier. But healthy still. 

The Nose, The Tongue, and Me

I’ve been on travel for work for the past 3 weeks and somewhere along the line I got this lovely little cold. But for the first time ever, I lost my sense of smell AND taste…for a foodie like myself this was hell. Not to mention the last leg of the trip was in New Orleans…my favorite city…land of beignets and etouffee. *sigh* Yea, so my tastebuds wound up kicking in after about 2 weeks of bland land and I could enjoy my jambalaya in piece, but I’m not here to talk about that.

Sorry, lol.

But seriously, a funny thing happened when I lost the sense of taste and smell. My entire relationship to food changed. At first I went through denial and tried my best to find the enjoyment of some of my favorite foods, but it was no use. I couldn’t taste a damn thing. And then I got angry because I found the whole point of eating to be an exercise in futility. For someone like myself, eating is an experience. It’s the look, the smell, the taste…all of that. Part of being a foodie I guess. But with 2/3 of those vital elements out of order all I could do was look at food. I quickly lost interest in eating. Don’t get me wrong – I didn’t starve myself nor did I stop eating, but eating was really just something to do to keep my stomach from growling. It messed with me mentally. Eating without tasting…and all I could rely on was texture, which wasn’t SO bad, but it’s not the same.

I got to thinking…and noticing…that it’s super easy to allow your body to tell you when you are ACTUALLY hungry when you can’t smell or taste a thing. It’s crazy, but the nose plays a pretty big role in how we taste food…and when combined with taste the two can play a doozy on how you interpret hunger or desire for food. I was just kinda “over” eating just to eat, because I couldn’t really get any enjoyment out of it, lol. It was boring and pointless. I got over my resentment in time, and now that I’m close to being normal in that department again I’m trying to allow my stomach to speak for itself. Hopefully, this will mean some additional weightloss in the near-ish future.

Have you guys ever lost the sense of taste? How’d you deal with it?

Dusting Off the Keyboard

You know it’s been awhile when my browser history doesn’t even remember my web addy.

single tear for the forgotten blog

But I did that to myself…and to those of you who still read this – sorry y’all! To say that life has been crazy would not be an accurate enough statement…because in truth life has been LIFE. I’ve thought about writing, but then wondered what would I write about? If you follow me on Instagram I’m sure you’ve noticed a steady dwindling of fitness related posts and more of my personal self spilling over..and with it tons of selfies, lol.

My selfie game is strong.

Let us take a walk back in time, shall we? I’ve been in this very strange place over the past year or so since I’ve stopped running regularly. Change of jobs, refocus of career, but more importantly a change in my exercise and food routine. I still haven’t quite landed into a regular pattern since I’ve stopped running. CrossFit kinda came in and with it a new community and new “norms” and apparently a new interest in lifting heavy things. How running fit into that lifestyle was quite easy…it didn’t. *shrug* Part of me felt kinda weird writing for a blog entitled TheCurvyRoadRunner, when I technically don’t really run like that, nor do I consider myself a runner. The Curvy CrossFitter or The Overweight Oly Lifter don’t really work for me either, lmao…I’m none of those things. I’m all of those things. I’m just me. I like to run…and lift weights…and these days it seems I’m gaining a new love for yoga. I just like DOING THINGS. There’s a lot the human body can do if the human mind and spirit would only endeavor to try.

My weight has fluctuated, and I’m on the heavier side of the scale…but I’m stronger than I’ve been in awhile. And I’m challenging myself to do things that I never thought I would…like handstands. Something so simple, right? Yet…here I am at 270 lbs (yea I said it) doing handstands. Who said I couldn’t do that? Apparently I did. So I’m about changing that. I’m for challenging the notion that I can’t do ______. I can. Or at least I can try, right? And with trying…you get better.

handstanding in 4 inch heels? don’t mind if i do!

For awhile I’d considered changing the name of this blog. I know the name I want it to be…Find Your FIt….because I think that’s what this journey has really been about for me. Figuring out what I want to do, how I want to do it, and what being fit looks and feels like to me. So I suppose you can say I’m “back” though I won’t be posting daily. For my own sake and sanity, I’ll at least try to use this space to share my own thoughts and experiences as I go about finding my own fit.

Dear New Years Resolutioners….And Gym Regulars

Welcome to a new year of fitness. I see you in the gym, working out hard every day (sometimes several times a day), trying new classes, and searching for a healthier and fitter version of yourself.

To the gym regulars…I see you too. The look of annoyance and utter disdain…the side glances at gym newbies…the audible displeasure at how crowded the gym floor or locker room may be.

The gym is a place for all people, of all shapes, sizes, and athletic ability. It’s where folks go to sweat, do good work, and push through plateaus. It’s hard enough in a world of fast food convenience and sedentary complacency to make your way to the gym. Whether you’re a noob or a vet, there’s a place at the gym for everyone. What bothers me most about this time of year is the way some, and I will say some, gym regulars make comments aloud – either on the gym floor or in the locker room regarding noobs. Hey, if someone decided that 2015 was the year for them to lose that last 20 lbs, or to gain a little more energy, or to try yoga – CHEERS TO THEM!!! It’s not your place, vet, to make someone who’s probably already nervous as hell that much more uncomfortable. It’s mean, rude, and really…really annoying.

To my newbies, I hope this year you find yourself getting ever the more closer to your goal of a healthier you. Workout out, eat well, hydrate, rest, and repeat. Have fun with it, make new friends. In no time you’ll know the lay of the land at your local gym, which instructors you like, and which trainers are really cool (et ehm…ME). 😉 But most of all never forget, no matter how long you’ve been a member at a gym, everyone was new once. So be nice to one another, aight?

Now go be active. 😀

Welcome 2015!

Happy New Year to you lovely, beautiful people out there! I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season and that you’re as jazzed as I am for what lies ahead in 2015.

Now, it’s been a minute since my last post, and a couple of things have been happening. The biggest and most exciting thing has been my latest job – I’m now a trainer at a local gym. I started in December and so far I really enjoy it! The more I’m around like minded folks, the more I realize that I just LOVE being in the fitness world. Also – I just get a kick out of talking to people about fitness and helping them figure out the best way to get to their goals. There are just so many ways to be fit and healthy – it’s so awesome to hear what other people think about when they think of being fit.

BOOM.

Another thing that’s happened recently…

Mohawk!

Cut my hair, kinda love it. Makes me feel a lil more badass and I think I look extra cool when I’m lifting heavy things. I feel very Grace Jones/Xena Warrior Princess these days, lol. So the look just fits. 😉

I’m trying to take it back to basics over the next couple of months. I really miss running…but I hate the treadmill. (snoozefest) So I bought a new toy since I lost my Timex Run Trainer 2.0 and have been running on weekends where I can.

Haven’t tested the watch out yet – just got it this weekend, but I plan to share my thoughts on it shortly.

 

It’s good to run again. Fun and relaxing as always. Having some kinda goal in mind usually helps keep me on my A game, but I haven’t decided if I really want to run a race this spring. I miss half marathoning, but realistically speaking I want more time running outdoors as part of my training. Meh. Maybe I’ll finally run that Philly Half Marathon this November. I’ve only been trying to do it for several years, lol. Maybe this is the year I don’t wait until the last minute to register. Maybe.

Want to know something really random? CrossFit helped me with my running last year. Seriously, it did! The metcons (metabolic conditioning) we did helped keep me on point with my aerobic ability and the strength training helped make me stronger. That kinda stopped when I switched jobs and focused on lifting exclusively, but that’s the ebb and flow of life – right? I’ll be doing some of my own programming over the next couple of weeks until the weather gets warmer and I can go back outside to run again.

Btw, this blog is 4 years old! Can you believe it?? Nope, neither can I. 😀