Disclaimer: This is not a running/health post.
So it is 10.30pm on a Saturday night, and while most of the world is probably out living it up and celebrating, I am at my computer screen close to tears. I don’t know if it’s the exhaustion or the nagging feeling of failure, or the anticipation of the issues that I keep shirking. But there is a lump in my chest and a tightness in my throat and though I am regularly surrounded by people who love me, with each passing day I feel more alone and directionless. I’m like a ship with a broken sail…just blowing in the breeze. The destination is known, but the path to get there seems so treacherous and uncertain. Numb is another word to describe how I am feeling right now.
This must be what it feels like to simply exist.
To go through each day on automatic, completely unaware and disinterested in lighting a fire in your life and living with purpose. It is a scary and a lonely, lonely feeling.
I stand on the verge of making one of the craziest decisions in my life. One that will ultimately throw me into a whirlwind of uncertainty. If I stay the course I am currently on, I can continue in relative safety and security, though my sanity, happiness, and overall wellness will be the sacrifice. If I take the chance, throwing myself to the mercy of the gods, well…I may lose all and have my life abruptly and painfully uprooted.
To my right is the rock. To my left, the hard place. I am stuck between the two. Walk away from a definite…just for the hint of a chance of something greater. This is the stuff that good stories are made of, and I can only hope that this turmoil that I am experiencing means that I am on the precipice of something far grander than I could ever imagine. I’ve never fancied myself a fan of heights, but I find myself on a proverbial ledge faced with the inner knowing that in order to live I must jump off the edge to face death and pray that wings will lift me up.
This is quite possibly the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but I do not see any other way out. I feel so numb inside at times, so distracted by things and people that are not important and rather inconsequential in comparison to the plans that I believe are laid out for me. But the comfort of contentment, even a mediocre existence, is so much more reassuring than taking the risk of a life time. So I question ways in which I can have it all without the need to let go everything I currently know…and each time the question is posed…the answer is made plain. When you know your life’s purpose, you have a choice…run from it or run towards it. Either way, movement must happen. Either way, a choice must be made. In making this decision to run towards my purpose, life as I know it may very well fall to pieces. And that is a very, VERY frightening thought. But life was meant to hold more promise than this. More joy, peace, and happiness than this. I mean to find all three and make them my own.
And so, in a time such as this one…I’ve decided to quit my job. There is no back up. No fail-safe. No net in which to catch me. Simply, put I must follow my dreams and do what I feel I was meant to do…and doing so has proved impossible at my current place of employment. I have no idea how I will pay my bills. I have no idea where or when I will find my next job. And I face a very real certainty of having to uproot the life I have built over the last 11 or so years in the DC area to move back home to New Jersey. I’ve never been one to give up, even less of one to give up without a fight, but the one thing I simply cannot fight is the all too real knowledge that I have been created and shaped for a specific task and am now ripe for the picking. The years of wondering about my purpose and seeking to live my truth have now found me. Destiny is knocking at my door and I can no longer pretend that no one is home.
So, with all of that said…by the end of this month I will be either unemployed, or employed with another company. Right now, all signs point to unemployed, but either way I can no longer stay where I am. I am meant to do more than this. To BE more than this. And in the honor of transparency I come to you in what is my darkest hour, so that when I have made it to my destination you will understand that light that radiates will come from one who has answered the call to live loudly, ferociously, and for the sake of others rather than to fulfill some selfish desire. Know that you who are reading this, whether you know it or not…I am making this change for you. Crazy as it may sound, there is much that I want to share with you about living your fullest and most fulfilling life, right here…right now. But in order for me to help you reach that mountain top, I must first make the perilous journey myself.
Here we go.